In 2024, some would argue that coming out has become obsolete. The perceived liberation of the LGBTQ+ community in some parts of the world has given individuals the freedom to no longer feel compelled to attach themselves to a specific label. Sexuality is fluid for many, and doesn’t always require a fixed label, or at least, a public one.
But labels still hold power to many, providing a sense of definition and certainty, while allowing individuals to connect with a history, culture, or role they identify with. Labels are necessary for validation and visibility, marking a unique experience and claiming space. Across the world, varying levels of oppression against the LGBTQ+ community persist, and our place of birth or residence can determine the privileges we do or don’t hold.
Whatever your stance, Carina Maggar’s beautiful book, Countless Sleepless Nights: A Collection of Coming-Out Stories, brings us coming-out stories from around the world, illustrating a vast spectrum of unique experiences and outcomes from “coming out”. Drawn from anonymous interviews in countries far and wide, these stories are sometimes hilarious, sometimes devastating. They remind us that no two coming-out stories are the same, while shedding light on the unique political, social and legislative barriers our community still faces around the world.
Everyone has their own coming-out story
In 2024, 64 countries still criminalise homosexuality, forcing many to keep important parts of their authentic selves hidden, with lasting effects. Films like A Secret Love provide accounts of lives lived and loved in hiding and secrecy as a result.
Carina Maggar decided to interview 85 people spanning 65 countries. Through Zoom calls, voice notes and phone calls, she peels back the complexities of what it means to come out in different walks of life. In the year it was written, death penalties are still in action in Qatar, the UAE and more. For the people who live there, coming out is not an option. This book includes the voices of those old and young, from 15 to 60, from Kent to Kuwait. It shares the unique and expansive ways people choose to come out, from in-person to online, in letters and words sometimes left unspoken.
At first glance, this book has a soft and unthreatening appearance. Buckle in though, as you’ll soon be immersed in heart-wrenching accounts of brutal honesty, heartbreak and rejection. What sets this book apart is the surprising uniqueness of every story it tells. Some stories depict overcoming difficult family dynamics through acceptance and forgiveness. One particular story that unfolded during a lockdown in the Covid years involved a friend coming out as bi to their flatmate over dinner one evening. Surprisingly, the flatmate appeared to already know, tightening the special bond of friendship they shared.
The book celebrates hope and progress
Someone living in the US, who grew up in the 80s, lost their first secret boyfriend just six months after a positive HIV results. The family of the boyfriend prevented the partner from attending the funeral, depriving them of the chance to find closure in their grief. Later in life, the individual came out to their parents, fearing their father’s reaction due to their Jewish faith and the treatment they had received from their late boyfriend’s family. To their surprise, they were accepted by their father, who even found a gay synagogue for the family to attend.
“The worst thing is to think my child believed they would be rejected by me,” said the father. “Or made homeless because of who they are.”
There are countless stories just like these. And while not every story has a happy-ever-after neatly tied up with a bow, the book celebrates the glimmers of hope and progress, and newfound empathy that leads to the blossoming of new and deeper, more authentic connections. Familial relationships are tested by the need for authenticity and acceptance. It features stories of individuals who choose themselves through resilience instead of living in secrecy and shame.
The book takes readers on an emotional rollercoaster, shedding light on a vast range of issues our community tackles today. It discusses the growing number of referrals to mental health services and gender identity clinics and the increasingly long waiting lists for gender-affirming treatments. It also addresses the varying rights and experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals from country to country, highlighting the ongoing struggle for complete freedom of LGBTQ+ rights. The book shares stories of lives spent in the closet, online relationships, and laws that still criminalise homosexuality, impacting the lives of citizens living in secrecy.
Real-life stories that prompt us to reflect
Many of the stories in the book are from people who have not yet come out to their families. They choose to live different parts of themselves with those who make them feel safe and secure in being authentic. One such story is from an anonymous individual in Kuwait, who, due to their family’s views and societal expectations, has not revealed this part of themselves to their family, fearing it may be seen as a failure in parenting.
These stories prompt us to reflect on gratitude, appreciate those who let us be our authentic selves, and consider the progress and setbacks in LGBTQ+ equality globally. The world continues to take steps forwards and backwards on this path. In 2022, as the book notes, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed into law a bill expanding a ban on LGBTQ+ “propaganda”. This made it illegal for anyone to promote same-sex relationships or suggest that non-heterosexual relationships are “normal”. These stories are a stark reminder of the need for solidarity and collective action to speak up, to realise that the fight for liberation is not over until the last person is free to be authentically themselves.
Sharing experiences from around the world
Countless Sleepless Nights is perfect for those who have not yet “come out” and need support and inspiration and those whose “coming out” moment feels far, far in the past. It’s also valuable for individuals whose circumstances prevent them from being able to express themselves openly. Hopefully, this book will inspire and celebrate the existence of the chosen family, encourage fearlessness, and help people find the strength to embrace their true selves and take pride in who they are, as they navigate the social and cultural barriers in their respective places of living, origin, or circumstances.
Carina Maggar is a copywriter and creative from London, UK. Carina studied Graphic Design at Leeds College of Art, followed by a degree in Creative Advertising at Bucks Ad School. She has worked with brands including MTV, Nando’s, YouTube, Twickenham Film Studios and Condé Nast. Released in 2022, How To Make Work Not Suck is her first book. Her second book, Countless Sleepless Nights: A Collection of Coming-Out Stories was released in March 2024. She’s currently working on her third book, How To Make Dating Not Suck, out in 2025.
The book is available to buy from laurenceking.com
Enjoy,
Team Nonchalant x
Lauren is a writer and editor based in Peckham, covering all things queer culture, books, travel, arts and lifestyle, fashion and creativity. She was previously a features editor at New Statesman Media Group and now works freelance and part-time hoping she may never work 9-5 ever again.
