As you can tell by the title – I’m not f*cking. No 69s, no handies, no cheeky pub bathroom finger, nothing. I thought by moving to London and eventually becoming single, there would be a whole world full of sexual deviancy (not the Conservative Christian kind) and debauchery. I thought London would unfurl its legs suggestively, like the lady from Love Actually in that one uncomfortable office scene with the guy who plays Professor Snape. And before you begin judging me, these fantasies are not my fault! Like you, I grew up with shows that promised such things; Sex and the City literally said I would be having sex in the city, yet here I am, an incel in the ends. Fleabag also promised I would be morally reprehensible but still find a beautiful man who my friends and I would lovingly refer to as ‘Arsehole Guy’. Shows like this have clearly had an impact on the generations they depict as researchers in Indiana created a survey that ‘found that both Generation X (those born roughly between 1965 and 1980) and millennials (1981-1996) had the highest boudoir score’ (NY Post) – meaning Gen Z has seriously been lacking.
And you may be thinking ‘Demi, it’s just you! My sex life has never been better!’ and to that, I say f*ck you and give me notes on how you did it. And yes, I have thought perhaps the issue is just me – and it very well could be – but that’s not as fun as blaming something else! Also, I have spoken to multiple people (five equally down-bad friends) who are experiencing the same phenomenon. As a queer individual, I should be having double the sex but it seems my well has run dry (no pun intended). I would be less affected by this lack of fornication if it was my norm, however, back in the suburbs I was never without options. Bushes became romantic staycations, hospitality managers became my meal of choice, a pop to my local would end in banishment and my name on a list for public indecency.
So, why aren’t we f*cking? I have two theories: everyone’s obsession with a ‘healthy’ lifestyle and the fact that men – as usual – are awful. The second theory is nothing new, but the way we’re dealing with it is, so I’ll start with this.
Before our foremothers and sisters would vent over wine about the ways in which men had done them wrong, in marriages, in the workplace, on the street. It is no secret that audacity begins and ends with cis-het men. Women attracted to men acknowledge that men are awful but since we have to socialise with them, we would fight for change but still accept the seemingly kinder ones into our bed. However, revolutions like the 4B movement that began in South Korea around 2017, combat patriarchal society and conservative practices. South Korean women have seen that their society views them as nothing more than baby factories and is going on strike! Holding sex, romantic relationships, marriage and, of course, babies hostage until there is tangible change in their society and misogyny is eradicated. Instead of putting up with it, they’re opting out – and it’s the coolest thing ever. You may have heard the same call to arms being echoed by women in the US, especially after the recent election results. This is a declaration of war. If men want a patriarchal society, women will simply not take part in it.
We can observe this on a small scale too on dating apps, with 61% of users being men seeking women who make up just 39% of users according to an Ofcom study in 2023. And I can see why we are no longer flocking to the apps. Whenever I interact with a man online I can be sure to experience sexualisation, objectification and terrible chat up lines. If I am a person (25F) seeking a casual relationship because of my commitment issues, does that give Jack (28M) the right to ask the colour of my nipples? Because I am Black, must I be subjected to being someone’s first “trip to the dark side”? I don’t think it’s asking too much to be viewed as a person and build a vague connection before I put your genitals in my mouth. I will say, this sexualisation rarely occurs when I talk to women or nonbinary people as I have rarely made it out of the “you’re so attractive” stage or had a date cancelled last minute. Once again, this could be my lack of game – but game or not, I’m hot so it shouldn’t be this hard.
Now, going back to my previous point – everyone’s obsession with being ‘healthy’ is ruining my chance to f*ck. What do you mean I have to go to a run club to potentially meet someone? I have asthma and no eyebrows – this will not bode well for me. People are also drinking less, with “sober curious” being a new option to add to your Hinge profile. This isn’t to say I don’t respect society’s move away from drinking, I myself am barely drinking (I’m broke) and I find that not having hangouts that revolve around alcohol is actually more inclusive of all my friends. That being said, I already had a lack of inhibitions. Some of the most ridiculous sexual acts have been done stone-cold sober. But for a lot of people, sex doesn’t become a thing they are comfortable with until drinks are flowing; meaning if I were to meet someone after a (not-so) casual 5K, the best I’d get is a coffee date and a handshake. Again, this is not the London I was promised!
I may have outed myself as a sexual miscreant or sex pest in this article – but I don’t care (however, if I’ve ever dated you just know I am f*cking and thriving)! I’m a Scorpio in my mid-twenties and I only have so many years left before my back stops being able to arch and I want to use them. Society doesn’t have to teeter towards alcoholism to be sexually liberated, but it does have to have cis men willing to disengage with misogyny on every level of their being so I can give my vibrator a break.
Yours Truly,
Demi x
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Failed dating show contestant on BBC “I Kissed a Girl” and writer of horny and sad poetry, Demi is based in Islington, London and works for independent publisher VERVE Books as an editorial assistant and social media manager. In her spare time she attends spoken word poetry nights, drinks an unhealthy amount of fruit tea with honey and aggressively reposts her FYP on TikTok.
