I was mindlessly scrolling on Instagram, as you do, when I came across a post from pro surfer Sophie Hellyer. It was one of those reintroduction posts: who she is, what she does, excellent surfer stats, super cool, immaculate in general. And then, almost as a throwaway line, she described herself like this:
“I’m a uniform dresser. Sustainability, comfort, and mud come first. Think: teenage boy in the 90s, upgraded. I call it mum-boy.”
Slide 11:
Enter: the mum-boy.
A phrase I had never heard before, nor realised I actually needed – and after a quick Google, possibly a phrase Sophie herself has actually coined. Love that.
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I’ve never been someone who felt the need to dwell too heavily on labelling myself – although I know how helpful labels can be for some. If you grew up in the 90s and early 00s, you’ll remember how casually homophobic slurs were thrown around, so not interrogating terminology too deeply often felt like self-preservation. Though one term I was actually pretty attached to was tomboy, and I was called one constantly. Which was fine by me, I was more than happy to wear my tomboy badge.
In my teens, I had a bit of a style switch-up and went through an extremely feminine phase, followed by occasional boyish clothes, partly because I was always into sport. By adulthood, that settled into something more fluid: flitting between dresses and baggy jumpers, between softness and boyishness, depending on the occasion, the mood, the weather.
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And then, in my late thirties, I became a mum. And if I’m honest, that did come with a bit of an identity question mark. Motherhood arrives with so many unspoken expectations – especially for lesbian mums. Not just about how you parent, but about how you look doing it (I’ll say it again: especially for lesbian mums!!). Somewhere along the way, I found myself wondering: I still want to dress like how I want to dress, occasionally a teenage boy, occasionally not… is that allowed?
According to Sophie Hellyer, yes. Very much yes.
There was something deeply comforting about seeing a woman – a professional athlete, no less – name that version of herself so casually. No apology. No explanation. Just: this is who I am, and this is what works for my life. Sophie was just describing her reality. And somehow, that made space for mine too.
Mum-boy isn’t about gender or sexuality. It’s about letting go of the idea that motherhood has to soften you, feminise you, or rebrand you into someone else entirely.
I have a feeling the sapphic community, and plenty of mums beyond it, will be embracing mum-boy with open arms, excellent trainers, and wipe-clean materials firmly in place.
So thank you, Sophie Hellyer, for naming the thing I didn’t realise I was missing.
Nonchalant x
Abi is the Founding Director of Nonchalant Magazine. She’s previously had a 7-year career in Digital Marketing within the eCommerce and Travel Sector. Aside from running Nonchalant, she’s a Lead Software Engineer and has worked on large scale projects for some of the biggest tech giants and was recently shortlisted on the Google Startups and Computer Weekly ‘Women in Software Powerlist 2020’.
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