We asked fifty queer women about their worst-ever dates – and wow, they delivered. From meeting-the-family madness to trips to A&E, and well – when you get to the dashboard story, no words. Here are our favourites.
Who’s Your Mum?
“At the ripe age of 31, I was (unashamedly) dating a student – but she was 25, so not as bad as it sounds. I was staying at her uni halls (lol) when I suddenly got really ill – turns out I was an undiagnosed coeliac. In the middle of the night, I ran to her tiny ensuite bathroom and, honestly, the world just fell out of me. I got so faint I thought I was going to pass out. She came in to help, started panicking, and ended up throwing up in the sink while calling an ambulance.
When the paramedics arrived, I couldn’t walk down the stairs, so they wheeled me out of her student halls on a stretcher. You’d think that was the worst part – but no. At the hospital, one of the nurses mistook me for her mum.”
Meeting the Family on a First Date (?!)
“She took me to her nan’s house for a Sunday roast. On the first date. I met Nan, Mum, Dad, and a dog named Brenda before I even knew her surname.”
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Unless your surname is Swift and your family home is a secret recording studio, no one wants to meet the parents straight away. Let’s not make your date earn a Michelin star for surviving small talk with Aunt Sharon.
The A&E Trip
“It was our second date, and we met at King’s Cross for cocktails. She said she needed to pop to the loo before we went. Twenty minutes later, she reappeared with a massive lump and bruise on her forehead – we’re talking huge egg with a small cut in the middle and immediately purple/blue. Turns out she’d tripped walking into the toilets and headbutted the glass doors. So instead of sipping martinis, I spent the night in A&E making awkward small talk while she got her head scanned, which ended up with stitches. Poor girl. We had many more dates after that tbf.”
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Nothing says romance like fluorescent lighting and a concussion.
The Drunken Confession
“She got absolutely hammered and told me she’d always wanted to ‘convert a straight girl.’ I said, ‘Cool, so how’s that going?’ She threw up in her handbag.”
Red flag paired with red wine.
The Over-The-Top Gesture
“It was a first date, and she surprised me with a hot air balloon ride. We hadn’t even exchanged surnames yet. wtf.”
Expensive date ideas are cute in theory – until you realise you’ve committed to small talk at 500 feet.
The Straight Girl Mistake
“I matched with this girl on POF (Plenty of Fish – which was the dating app of choice at the time) and thought, why not. She suggested meeting in Hyde Park for drinks – sunshine, vibes, potentially my future wife. But about twenty minutes in, I started to realise something was off. The flirting wasn’t flirting… it was just friendly enthusiasm.
She then invited me to Fabric that night – with all her friends. Huge mate-zone energy. But I tried to stay optimistic – maybe she was just a chaotic lesbian with a love for drum & bass?
Spoiler: she was straight. Her boyfriend was also going to Fabric. I panicked and made my best friend call me and say something had happened to a family member, so I could leave. Honestly, I should’ve just taken the cider and run”
The Group Hang
“She brought me to a group picnic which had twenty something people there. I didn’t even know who was her friend or just someone new to her too… turns out, none of them were her friends and this was a meet-up.”
The Brighton Motorway WTF is Happening
“We’d been seeing each other on and off for about a month and decided on a cute day trip to Brighton – sea air, chips, etc. I was driving, so staying sober while she got progressively more tipsy throughout the day.
The drive home back to London was… eventful. Let’s just say she got very affectionate somewhere on the M23. I gently suggested that maybe the motorway wasn’t the right setting for that (you know what), but she was undeterred. By the time we hit Croydon, she’d decided to, um… entertain herself, if you know what I mean – feet on the dashboard, fully going for it.
It was not sexy. It was weird. All I could think was – get your dirty feet off of my dashboard LOL…. I was just praying no one glanced in the window.
I’ve never been so relieved to see a London postcode in my life.”
Crying At 3 Meters Up
“She took me rock climbing – but I hate heights. I felt like I needed to give it ago. But I was so scared that I fell. Twice. And the second time I ended up crying mid wall climb. She tried to comfort me while dangling like some kind of lesbian Spider-Man”
Nothing says romance like grazed knees, chalk dust, and the overwhelming scent of regret.
The ‘Sensual Yoga Class’
“She said we were going to a yoga class. It turned out to be tantric partner yoga. We held eye contact for fifteen straight minutes while a man with a gong told us to ‘connect our root chakras.’ I’ve never recovered.”
The Loud Bar
“We shouted our childhood traumas over drum ’n’ bass. Romantic.”
The Spaghetti Incident
“We went out for a meal and it was a first date. She ordered spaghetti bolognese but while we were talking, she started eating it with one fork and her hand – literally shovelling it in with her hand like she was in a food-eating competition. Sauce. Everywhere. Such a shame because I did fancy her up until that point.”
If your table manners look like a deleted scene from Man vs. Food, you might not be getting a second date.
The Road Trip
“She picked me up for a ‘spontaneous drive’. Three hours later, we were lost, silent, and sharing a petrol station meal deal.”
Final Thoughts
Thanks to everyone who sent in their worst dates. We laughed for ages. If you have a worst date you want to share, then drop us the details in an email and we’ll be sure to feature you.
Nonchalant x
This article was written by one of our creative team writers here at Nonchalant Magazine.
