Whether this is your first time with a woman ever, your first time with this particular woman, or you’ve been having sex with women for years and still feel like you’re winging it – welcome. You’re in good company. There’s no exam, no technique you need to have mastered, and no right way to do it. There’s just you, another person, and whatever feels good for both of you.
This guide is the honest version. No diagrams, and no advice from people who sound like they’ve never actually been naked with another woman. Just the stuff we wish someone had told us.
Read more: The best lesbian sex positions
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Forget everything you’ve seen in porn
Let’s get this out of the way immediately. Lesbian porn – the mainstream kind – is made for straight men. The positions are designed for camera angles, not pleasure. The nails are terrifying. Nobody communicates. And somehow everyone finishes at exactly the same time without any apparent effort.
Real lesbian sex looks nothing like that. It’s slower, messier, funnier, and significantly more collaborative. Sometimes it’s incredibly hot and intense. Sometimes someone gets a cramp and you both have to pause. Sometimes you can’t stop laughing. All of that is normal and all of it is good sex.
If your only reference point for sex between women is porn, do yourself a favour and delete that mental image entirely before you get into bed with someone.
Talking about it isn’t unsexy – it’s essential
The biggest myth about good sex is that it should just happen naturally without anyone having to say anything. That’s bullshit. Communication is what separates good sex from mediocre sex, and it’s especially important when you’re with someone new.
You don’t need to sit down with a spreadsheet and a list of preferences (although, no judgment if you do). But saying things like “that feels amazing,” “can you go slower,” “I really like it when you…” or “do you want me to keep going?” isn’t awkward. It’s hot. It tells the other person you’re paying attention to them.
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And if you’re nervous, say so. “I haven’t done this before” or “I’m not sure what I’m doing” is not a mood killer. Most women will find your honesty attractive, and anyone worth sleeping with will want to make sure you’re comfortable.
Where to start
There’s no set order for lesbian sex. There’s no “foreplay” and “main event” the way heterosexual sex is often structured. Everything counts. Kissing counts. Touching counts. Lying next to each other and breathing counts.
Start with whatever feels natural. Kiss her. Touch her face, her neck, her arms. Let your hands explore. Pay attention to how she responds – does she lean into your touch? Does her breathing change? Those signals tell you everything you need to know about what to do next.
Don’t rush. One of the best things about sex between women is that there’s no predetermined endpoint, so there’s no pressure to “get to” anything. You can spend 20 minutes just kissing and that’s not a prelude to sex.
Oral sex – the honest version
Oral sex is often treated as the centrepiece of lesbian sex, and for a lot of people it is. But it doesn’t have to be, and it’s definitely not something you need to be brilliant at the first time.
Here’s what nobody tells you: it takes a minute to figure out what works for each person. Every woman likes different things – different pressure, different speed, different patterns. What made your last partner lose her mind might do absolutely nothing for this one. That’s not a failure on your part. It just means you need to pay attention.
Start gently. Use your tongue, not your teeth (this should be obvious but apparently it isn’t). Listen to her breathing and her body. If something is working, you’ll know – and when it is, the most important thing you can do is keep doing exactly that thing at exactly that pace. The number one mistake people make is changing what they’re doing right when it’s working.
Your jaw will get tired. Your tongue will get tired. That’s normal. Take a break, use your fingers for a minute, kiss her thighs, and go back when you’re ready. Nobody is timing you.
Read more: The best lesbian sex toys
Using your hands
Fingers are incredibly versatile and often underrated. You can use them externally on the clitoris, internally for penetration, or both at the same time. You can use one finger or several. You can be gentle or firm. You can combine them with oral sex for an experience that is, frankly, transcendent.
A few practical notes. Keep your nails short and smooth – this is not negotiable. Use lube even if she seems wet enough, because lube makes everything better and reduces any risk of discomfort. Start with one finger for penetration and add more only if she wants it. The “come here” motion with your fingers, aimed toward the front wall of the vagina, is how you find the G-spot – but not everyone likes G-spot stimulation, so ask.
And wash your hands first. If you’ve been on the tube or eating crisps (LOL – we know you’ve been eating crisps), nobody wants those fingers anywhere near them.
Toys and strap-ons
Sex toys are not compulsory. Some people love them, some never use them, some bring them out only on special occasions. There is absolutely no pressure to introduce toys into your sex life, especially not the first time you sleep with someone.
That said, if you’re curious: vibrators are a great starting point. A small bullet vibrator used during oral sex or foreplay can be incredible. Dildos and strap-ons are an option if you or your partner enjoys penetration – but they’re a tool, not a requirement.
If you’re interested in strap-ons, we’ve written a whole guide to strap-on shopping that covers harnesses, sizing, and what to look for.
The most important thing with toys is that you discuss them with your partner first. Pulling a strap-on out of your bedside drawer unannounced when someone was expecting fingers is a different vibe entirely.
Safer sex
Yes, safer sex applies to lesbian sex. This is the part that always gets skipped and it shouldn’t be.
STIs can be transmitted between women through oral sex, shared toys, and skin-to-skin contact. Dental dams exist for oral sex (although almost nobody uses them, which is a separate conversation). If you’re sharing toys, wash them between uses or use condoms on them. If either of you has cuts or sores on your hands, just consider that.
Get tested regularly, especially if you have new partners. The myth that lesbians can’t get STIs is exactly that – a myth. Ask your GP or visit a sexual health clinic. It takes 10 minutes and it’s free.
What to do when you don’t know what you’re doing
Here’s a secret: even women who have been sleeping with women for decades sometimes don’t know what they’re doing with a new partner. Everybody is different. What you learned with one person doesn’t automatically transfer to the next.
If you’re lost, do one of these things. Ask her what she likes. Watch how she touches herself (if she’s comfortable with that) and mirror what she does. Or simply tell her “show me what feels good” and let her guide your hand or your mouth. There is nothing sexier than someone who cares enough to ask.
You are not expected to be an expert. You are expected to be present, enthusiastic, and willing to learn. That’s it.
Read more: 14 best free lesbian dating apps and sites in the UK
It doesn’t have to end with an orgasm
Heterosexual sex typically has a clear endpoint: the person with the penis finishes and it’s over. Lesbian sex doesn’t work like that, which is both liberating and occasionally confusing.
Sex can end whenever you both feel done. Maybe you’ve both orgasmed. Maybe one of you has. Maybe neither of you has and you’re both perfectly satisfied because the experience itself was the point. All of those are legitimate endings.
Don’t put pressure on yourself or your partner to orgasm. Some people take longer with a new partner. Some people find it difficult to orgasm with someone watching. Some people just aren’t in an orgasm headspace that day. None of this means the sex was bad.
If you want to know whether your partner is satisfied, ask. “Was that good for you?” is a perfectly normal question between two adults who have just been naked together.
Final thoughts
Lesbian sex is not something you can fail at. It’s two people (or more, wehey) figuring out how to make each other feel good, and the only real requirement is that everyone involved is enjoying themselves.
Be honest. Be generous. Be curious. Laugh when something doesn’t work. Try again. And remember that the best sex – the kind that makes you text your friends about it the next day – comes from connection, not technique.
If you want more, check out our guide to the best lesbian sex positions and our round-up of the best lesbian sex toys.
Nonchalant x
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This article was written by one of our creative team writers here at Nonchalant Magazine.
