Coming out later in life doesn’t put you behind, and lesbian dating has no entry exam. Plenty of women come out in their 30s, 40s and beyond, and most queer daters are open to being someone’s first. All you need is somewhere to start, a line or two and a bit of nerve.
So you’ve done the big bit. You said it out loud, maybe ended a marriage, maybe told your mum, and now you’re staring at a dating app wondering if everyone else got a handbook at 19. They didn’t. Here’s how to start, from which apps to download to what to say when she asks about your ex-husband.
Is it normal to come out as a lesbian later in life?
Yes. It’s common enough to have its own name – the late bloomer lesbian – and its own body of research.
Dr Lisa Diamond, a professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, spent 15 years following 79 women to track how their sexuality shifted. Speaking to NPR in 2010, she pushed back on the old assumption that women who come out later were simply repressed all along. Her view was that as time goes on, “women have more opportunities to discover that capacity”.
Joanne Fleisher is a Philadelphia-based therapist who specialises in helping women who’ve been married to men through coming out, and she came out in her 30s herself. She told AARP in 2019 that, in her experience, many women don’t get clear on their sexuality until “much later than we often expect”.
Maybe you always knew and buried it. Maybe it arrived out of nowhere at a friend’s birthday dinner. Maybe you’re still deciding between lesbian, bi and queer. All of it counts, and none of it makes you late. You’re on a different timetable, and you’re turning up with things most 22-year-olds don’t have: you know what a bad relationship feels like, you can hold a conversation and you’ve got a better wine budget.
Your next read: Is it a date or just friends? The lesbian dating dilemma, solved
Which dating apps are best when you’re new to dating women?
Start with two. HER is built for queer women and non-binary people, so you’re in a sapphic space from the first swipe. Hinge isn’t queer-only, but we rate it for lesbians and bi women, and the prompts give you something to say beyond “hey”. For the full rundown, see our list of the best free lesbian dating apps in the UK.
Article continues below.
Should you say you’re new? Yes. For its 2023 LGBTQIA+ DATE report, Hinge Labs surveyed more than 14,000 LGBTQIA+ users in November 2022 and found that 80% are open to being someone’s first queer dating experience. The same report found daters are most comfortable with it when the other person is willing to talk about it early on.
So put it in your bio and let it do the filtering for you:
- “Late bloomer. Making up for lost time, politely.”
- “Came out at 36. New to dating women, not new to knowing what I want.”
- “First-timer on here. Be nice and I’ll get the first round.”
Use recent photos, say what you’re looking for and don’t apologise for any of it. A few women won’t want to be someone’s first, and that’s their call. Far better to find out at the bio stage than three dates in.
Where can you meet queer women in real life?
The apps aren’t compulsory. If swiping makes you want to throw your phone in the canal, try one of these.
- Bars. The Bar Edit is where we step inside lesbian bars and queer-friendly venues and tell you what they feel like before you walk in. In London, start with our guide to lesbian nightlife, bars and hotspots. Go early in the evening, when it’s quiet enough to hear someone’s name.
- Club nights and socials. There are more than you’d think, and plenty are built for people coming solo. See London’s best queer club nights for women and non-binary people. Not a club person? Daytime options exist too: Sappho Events has run a free 40+ LGBTQ women’s social over tea and coffee at the London LGBTQ+ Community Centre.
- Run clubs and sports teams. An activity gives you something to do other than stand around holding a drink, and you see the same faces every week. Pride Sports has an LGBT+ sports club finder covering the UK.
You don’t have to pull on night one. For your first few outings, the only goal is to be in the room. Making friends first is a perfectly good strategy too, although in sapphic circles the friend pool and the dating pool tend to overlap, which is how you end up asking is it a date or just friends?
And if you’d like an opener in your back pocket, our lesbian pickup lines are there for you. Use sparingly.
How do you talk about your past on a first date?
Briefly, honestly and without apologising. Your marriage is part of your story, and it isn’t a confession. Give her the headline version, then ask her something.
- Say it early. In your bio or by the first drink. As the Hinge data shows, most queer daters are fine with it when it’s talked about up front.
- Keep it short. A first date isn’t the place for the full divorce timeline. Save the box set for date three.
- Don’t perform. Don’t fake experience you don’t have, and don’t rubbish your ex to prove a point. “It wasn’t right for me” covers it.
Be ready for a bit of wariness. Dr Ruth L. Schwartz, director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, puts it plainly in a piece for the Gottman Institute: “A lesbian might be afraid of being your experiment.” She points out that this caution usually comes from past hurt, which makes it easier not to take personally.
You don’t need to argue anyone out of it. Tell her where you are: “I’m not experimenting. I know I’m into women. I’m just new to dating them.” If you are still working things out, say that instead. Honest beats polished.
Then respect her answer. If she’d rather not be someone’s first, thank her for telling you and move on, no persuading. It cuts both ways, though. You don’t owe anyone a viva on your sexuality, so if a date keeps asking you to prove you’re gay enough, you’re allowed to finish your drink and go.
How do you calm first-date nerves?
Don’t try to calm down. In a 2014 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, Alison Wood Brooks of Harvard Business School tested karaoke singers, public speakers and people sitting maths tests. Those who reframed their anxiety as excitement, sometimes just by saying “I am excited” out loud, felt more excited and performed better than those who tried to calm down.
The study wasn’t about dating, but a first date with a woman is at least as nerve-racking as karaoke. So say it to the mirror before you leave the house. Then make it easy on yourself with these first lesbian date tips:
- Keep it short. Coffee, a walk, one drink. An exit after an hour is a feature.
- Pick somewhere public where you feel comfortable, and tell a friend where you’ll be.
- Forget the script. There’s no rule about who pays or who makes the first move. Just ask: “Shall we split it?”
- Tell her you’re nervous. It tends to come across as charming, and she may well be nervous too.
- Ask before you kiss her. “Can I kiss you?” is hot, and whatever she says is the answer.
As for sex, there’s no deadline. When you get there, [LINK: the beginner’s guide] has you covered.
So what should you actually say?
Steal any of these.
- Your first message: “Full disclosure, I’m new to this, and you seem like a good reason to be brave.”
- Telling her you’re new: “I should say, I came out in my 30s, so this is all quite new. Terrifying, but in a good way.”
- When she asks about your ex: “Married for eight years, he’s a decent man, I’m a lesbian. That’s the short version.”
- At the end of a good date: “I’ve had a really nice time. I’d like to do this again. Would you?”
- When there’s no spark: “I’ve enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think we’re a match. Thanks for a lovely evening.”
Late bloomer lesbian dating: your questions answered
Is it too late to start dating women in your 30s or 40s?
No. Women come out and start dating women at every age, and researchers have been studying it for decades. You’re not behind anyone. You’re starting when you were ready.
Do you have to tell a date you’ve never been with a woman?
You don’t have to, but it helps. Hinge’s 2023 research found 80% of LGBTQIA+ daters are open to being someone’s first queer dating experience, and they’re most comfortable when it’s discussed early. A line in your bio does the job.
How do you date women for the first time?
Pick one app and one real-life thing, like a run club or a social. Say you’re new, keep the first date short and somewhere public, and ask rather than guess. Being new matters far less than being honest about it.
What if you’re not sure whether you’re a lesbian or bisexual?
You don’t need a final answer to go on a date. Plenty of women try out lesbian, bi and queer before one fits, and some never pick. If the question is weighing on you, an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist can help, and Mind has mental health support.
Go on. Download the app, book the run club, wear the good jacket.
Nonchalant x
You may also like
Babs heads up Logistics and Product here at Nonchalant Magazine.
